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Why is it so much easier to have sex than it is to talk about sex? Particularly in romantic relationships, the topic tends to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes even unnecessary. But the reality is you'll want to figure out a few ways to broach the subject, especially if your goal is to create a stronger connection. So, how do you talk to your partner about sex? And why does it feel so strange? We're raised to think sex is taboo or embarrassing, which contributes to the awkwardness of it all. Couples may put off these conversations time and again because bringing these topics to light can mean rocking the boat or digging up some potentially embarrassing or unpleasant feelings.
Thankfully, it's possible to unlearn this habit and eventually get to the point where you and your partner can talk about sex, discuss problems, and even become more open about trying new things in the bedroom. In fact, communication is the secret to good sex , so start by getting yourself in the mood , and then give a few of these conversation starters a try. One big advantage that sexting has over face-to-face interaction is the freedom it gives you to test the waters, share intimate thoughts, and start a deeper conversation about sex — without the pressure of broaching the subject in person.
Saying something simple like, "You know what I've always wanted to do The same goes for pointing out something your partner does that now counts as one of your new favorite turn-ons. Admit that you can't stop thinking about it, and go from there. Sending a steamy message in the middle of the day is way less intimidating, and can help break the ice. Not to mention, it totally counts as foreplay. Jess O'Reilly , a resident sexologist at Astroglide , tells Bustle. A movie can make for a great opportunity to start a conversation.
If a character is doing something you'd like to try, pointing it out is a natural way to begin talking about fantasies, new sex positions, or whatever else has been on your mind. Who knows, you might even want to start trying it right then and there. Alternately, if you're watching a scene that makes you uncomfortable, "ask them how it makes them feel," O'Reilly says, and be honest about why it's turning you off. Is there something about ethics or morals? Or does it bring up bad memories?
Letting your partner know is important so that they can be more aware of what you don't like, and support you in avoiding that going forward. It'll also be a great time to talk about consent. Even if you've been together forever, "you'll need to keep the conversation going," O'Reilly says, "as needs, interests, and boundaries vary from day to day. Of course, you can always take a deep breath and say, in a straightforward way, that you have a few things on your mind that you'd like to share. Grant, PsyD , a d clinical therapist, tells Bustle. Afterward, gather your thoughts so you can go into the conversation with a few specific questions, concerns, etc.
You might even want to schedule a time to talk, Grant says, so that it feels less sudden. You won't, for instance, want to bring up the topic when you're cranky, or tired, or late for work. Instead, choose a time when you can both settle into the couch, get comfy, and chat. Instead, admit that talking about sex has felt a bit off-limits or taboo. Chances are they've felt the same way, Grant says, and will appreciate the fact you're creating a safe space to be vulnerable. The next time something sexy happens, and you're all about it, make sure to let your partner know.
As Grant says, sharing what you like will encourage more of the same. For instance, you might say during sex that you really like to be touched a certain way, or that you find it hot when your partner does XYZ. But there will likely be moments throughout the day, like when you kiss in the morning, or when they hug you from behind as you make coffee, that can serve as a stepping stone, too.
Use these moments to say, "You know what? I think it's so hot when you do that. Another way to start talking about sex? Asking each other fun, quirky, or interesting questions. Justin Lehmiller , a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, tells Bustle this will not only help you into the topic, but it will help normalize conversations about sex, and make it easier to talk about bigger wants, turn-ons, or problems areas in the bedroom.
And when did you finally learn the truth? From there, once you do start talking about things like fantasies, be sure you validate each other. You won't want to start this conversation with the dreaded "we need to talk," Jaime Bronstein, LCSW , a psychotherapist and d clinical social worker, tells Bustle. Because that will only make your partner's blood run cold, and put them on edge.
Instead, "have fun with the conversation," she says. Keeping it light will combat awkwardness, Bronstein says, while also contributing to a peaceful conversation, and more open-mindedness. Once you've eased past the first few potentially awkward conversations, make a point of discussing sex more often, so that it becomes second nature. Share your fantasies during late-night pillow talks, discuss sex the next morning, keep those sexts going — and you should both begin to feel more comfortable. Focus on communicating and leave your inhibitions at the door.
Justin Lehmiller , social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. Jess O'Reilly , resident sexologist at Astroglide. Jared M. Grant, PsyD , d clinical therapist. Mia Sabat , sex therapist with Emjoy. This article was originally published on Sep. By Melanie Yates and Carolyn Steber. Updated: July 15, Originally Published: Sep. Sensual couple lying in bed together, hugging after sex, talking and smiling, satisfied girlfriend and boyfriend enjoying romantic moment at home, looking in eyes, man holding in arms woman close up Shutterstock.Need a sex chat partner
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