Added: Sherri Ellingsworth - Date: 31.10.2021 00:30 - Views: 46721 - Clicks: 7172
You probably never meant for it to happen. However, once you fell in love with someone else other than your spouse, things got rather intense. Some are honest enough with themselves that they know step-by-step how everything came to be as it is now. Others have more difficulty, their mind confused because what they are doing is so contrary to what they believe and value. Some feel that God sent them their soul mate. Underlying vulnerabilities very likely made the new relationship possible. My work with thousands of married couples in crisis indicates that this is exactly the case. If you suspect your spouse of having an affair, take the Affair Test after reading this article to get a good idea if your fears are justified.
Your desire is to have, not to hurt. There may be an exception to that if you feel that your spouse has been unkind or hurtful. If so, that degree of negativity toward your spouse probably increased its intensity after your affair began. If you choose short-term, you may decide to end your marriage for your lover. The intensity of your present emotions may make that the choice that seems most likely to make you happy.
Consequences involving your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values, and your spouse. Nearly everyone who makes that decision figures that because of they are deeply in love with someone else, everything balances out in the end. In the ecstasy of new love people overlook flaws, quirks, and problems in the other or in the relationship. You will discover that Cinderella and Prince Charming exist only in fairy tales. All the rest of us are flawed and at times hard to live with. Repeatedly, those who left their spouses for a remarkable love come to me after a few years and say they wish they could do it all over again.
They would not expect their children NOT to be negatively affected by the divorce. They would look deeper into their hearts to see that their beliefs and values are part of their very identity and realize that to live in contradiction to them would lead them to become someone quite different than they were.
What do you honestly, at the deepest level of your being, expect it to be ten years from now if you abandon your marriage, maybe destroy another in the process if your lover is married as well , and violate your core beliefs? Based on my observations of and work with thousands of people, I can tell you from a purely logical, statistical, vantage point, that it is extremely unlikely.
There are four potential paths you could pursue if you are married but in love with somebody else. And, there are two likely that will come based on which path you choose. I also spoke about how to view the situation. You need to view it in a manner, which means you need think about how much your decision is going to affect you not in just in 10 days, but in 10 months, and even in 10 years. And I talked about how your decision would affect your lover, your spouse, your kids, and many other things. As a matter of fact, I went so far as to divorce my wife to be with the other woman.
But when I mentioned the fact that the lover had left me, some people commented:. And you know what? You left your wife for the person that you truly were in love with. In other words, they could be married but madly in love with another person. I was divorced for some period of time after that, and eventually had a relationship with another woman, and we had a very deep emotional connection. It was actually my decision to leave that woman and then to ask my former wife if she would consider the possibility of taking me back.
But with all relations having to do with romance, all go through these stages and at some point begin to diminish and change into a different kind of love that does not have the ecstasy. As a matter of fact, if you look at it from an anthropological standpoint, even a biological standpoint, it has to change. Because people in that state of intense relationship with each other, that intense set of emotions, that becomes overpowering.
If you decide to give up your marriage, give up your relationship with your children if you have them, to end the things with your spouse because of what you feel today, think about, what are you going to feel tomorrow? Now, to a different kind of love maybe , but they definitely did subside. And the sexual relationships.
Think about your own marriage, it definitely did, did it not? After a period of time? I say this because these feelings changed with Sally Sue and me. And yes, to the point where she left me. But, more toward what I wanted to talk about- you begin to think about how what you do affects other people. For example, think about what you do to your spouse if you leave him or her for another person. But because of the fact that we deal with marriages every day of all sorts, people in their first marriages, second marriages, third marriages, even today talking to somebody in a fifth marriage, understand that the hurt you carry from whatever relationship definitely affects how you operate in another relationship.
You may be doing what I did. I vilified Alice. What I mean by that is I turned her into the villain, talked about how evil she was, all the terrible things she did, how she was getting what she deserved, and fully believed all those things when I was saying them. But if he or she cares anything about you at all, then you know that by leaving him or her for another person, you are hurting that person. And not just your spouse, but your kids. As a matter of fact, you may love your children deeply. All through the stuff I did, I never quit loving my children deeply.
And, I was part of the process that brought them into this life. Therefore, I owe them because I brought them here. Now, think about this. Even if things had worked out with Sally Sue, the person I talked about in the first video, would that then mean that I had no more obligation to my children?
Even though Alice and I eventually got back together and remarried, and my children and I have wonderful relationships to this day, I can see the effect. As a matter of fact, one of my daughters still has fears and worries about abandonment from her husband, but not because of anything that he did or has done or is doing, but because of what I did all those years ago.
In a workshop we do for marriages in crisis, people will tell stories about their childhood. This happens when people feel amazing, powerful emotions toward another. Or if we see the flaws, we minimize them. It happened for me, it happened for Sally Sue. It also happened with thousands and thousands of couples. And, it does finally begin to subside; that halo effect goes away. You can begin to see flaws in the other person because everybody is imperfect, including you, which means they are also going to see your flaws. What it was costing Sally Sue, my lover, to be involved with me.
What was she losing? How did it affect her other relationships, her reputation, her own self-concepts? But when it did, who do you think she was angry with? We see that again and again when that intense emotion begins to fade if the other person had to give up something for you, reputation, relationships, religion, occupation, family, whatever it might be. And even yourself. The odds of you winding up together are actually extremely slim. Most people who leave their spouse for another person never marry that person.
The ones that do marry each other, they have an exceptionally high divorce rate. The ones I know that have made it still have regrets about what they did, and they have regrets about the pain they caused other people, and the pain they caused themselves. You see, your actions determine your future. But with time, those focuses would begin to change, those emotions would begin to modify.
When he sang, Seger otalked about this woman named Janey who was the queen of his night. He talked about how they shared secrets with each other and their love was like a wildfire that was out of control. And he talked about her holding him so tight, promising him that it never would end. Remember that other line? And what does that do to you? You begin to have regrets. As a matter of fact, he phrased it like that, from that point on in the song. He said he sought shelter again and again.
If I have children, give them up as well. Is it really all about me? Is it really all about you? I want you to be happy, I really do, but not based on something that you think is going to last forever. What about you? Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can get all our videos.
How could I ever be in love with my spouse again after feeling what I felt for this man or this woman? If you wish to learn how to overcome the deep emotion you currently feel for your lover and find the way to have a fulfilling marriage with your mate, we can help.
One that is full of love rather than regret. Please get more information by completing the form below or by calling us at Next.Im married and you are married
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I’m Married But In Love With Someone Else